( ((DISCLAIMER)) ): I am NOT a Doctor & this is NOT to be considered as Medical Advice. Rather I am a fully qualified Social Worker & Unsanctioned Experimental Researcher with Extensive Drug & Alcohol Experience who is attempting to accurately & responsibly document the EXPERIMENTAL research I have conducted upon myself in advocating for through & efficient scientific research to be conducted into the therapeutic value of a broad range of entheogenic substances.
( ((CAUTION )) ): Whilst acknowledging & advocating for every individuals right to make their own informed decisions regarding personal risks - I feel a deep sense of social responsibility to advise that although much of my actions & work is supported by medical science, that this is limited & may be misleading due to the fact that it fails to take into account far more complex variables such as genetic factors & complex metabolic processes with the potential to pose SERIOUS DANGERS including DEATH. Such discussions far exceed the scope of my best attempts of accurately & responsibly document my work, in addition to my area of expertise as a Social Worker. In saying this I am working on developing relationships with other professionals in more informed positions to contribute to such critical discussions.
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My earliest experiences with entheogenic substances came almost 20 years earlier in 1997-1999 throughout my early independence whilst nocking about up in the Adelaide Hills dropping what we called "Wangaz" back then but commonly known as LSD/Acid. However, without guidance or any idea what we were playing with after countless experiences - a few of the more confronting ones saw me turn back to more dangerous substances.
There is a long treacherous storying leading up to here is a long story with many complex chapters leading up the my unsanctioned research into the therapeutic value of various enthgenic substances which can be viewed in short view in the blogpost Significant Dates leading to flag burning in Victoria Square:
Earlier experiences with DMT during 2013 - 2015 sparked interest in it's clear therapeutic value despite being limited due to active Alcoholism & illicit drug use. However, leading towards a year clean & sober late 2016 despite doing as everything possible to maintain my recovery such as involvement in 12step fellowships, the dance community, performances & maintaining healthy eating habits, etc My's PTSD & Complicated Bereavement was so severely inhibiting my capacity to function that the only thing stopping me killing myself was my beautiful children Kaleb & Bethani.
Whyalla. October 3rd, 2016.
Latin Fever: Kizomba Flashmob Oct 2015.
Therefore, I was not only considering, but exploring ways & means of exploring alternate therapies such as the use of DMT in the treatment of trauma & addiction which was not a decision I took lightly being contrary to years of 12 step abstinence based recovery.
Latin Fever: Kizomba Performance, 2015/2016 New Years Eve @ The Highway
Throughout that first year of recovery I explored every possible option of getting to a oversees Ayahausca based Rehab specialising in Drug & Alcohol & Trauma. However, every time it seemed like things just might be possible, I'd run into another dead end (Eg: I could afford to get there, service seems as safe, appropriate & legitimate as possible then read the fine print "must speak fluent Spanish"). However, I slowly but surely started finding ways & means to acquire & build relationships with entheogenic plants.
My first Cactus. Eileen. November, 23rd. 2016.
Leading up to eventually figuring out how to acquire ingredients to experiment with making Ayahausca something random happened that would add additional complexity to my already critical state of health which included a suspected "Acquired Brain Injury" due to either another car accident or an overdose I experienced several years earlier..
Around midnight on the 9/10th January 2017 after dance performance training - some cunt in a stolen truck rear-ended me whilst stationary at the traffic lights on Crossroad before doing a runner which subsequently fucked my back. Luckily the Subaru Forester I was in had this fancy hill-start mechanism in the clutch so I didn't have my foot one the break otherwise I would be likely sustained far greater injuries.
Nevertheless, this resulted in my spine becoming completely frozen in spasms that the Physiotherapist couldn't improve with any combination of physical manipulation, Needling or Cupping, etc. This was within the weeks leading up to finally acquiring the ingredients I required for my first course of Ayahausca.
Leading into my experimental research & earlier experiences with DMT I limited my research to only what as relevant to health eg. MAOI interactions etc & intentionally refrained from reading other peoples "Trip Reports" as to avoid developing preconceived ideas with the potential to influence my interpretation of my exploration into what these substances really were along with the mysterious actions facilitated by their consumption. From my first experiences with DMT it was obviously something extremely significant that did not in any respect fall inline with my extensive experience with anything I'd consider a drug & that was of such a mystical nature that would require an extremely open mind to even begin to comprehend, if at all even possible.
Therefore, I basically undertook just enough research to avoid accidentally killing myself in the construction & application of my own experimental treatment model based on a combination of previous recovery experience, studies throughout my Social Work degree, the use of Ayahaucs & similar substances in tribal contexts, existing Ayahausca retreats associated with trauma & addiction, & Terance McKenna's ideas on silent darkness.
The basics treatment plan was to undertake an intensive course of Ayahausca over a couple of week period followed by weekly followup treatments wherever possible whilst filming & otherwise as accurately as possible documenting the results of the consumption of various substances.
Although my "intention" was to do with healing psychological trauma. The first lesson the plants taught me was that they knew better about what I needed than I did which manifested clearly in relation to my physical health. Throughout the initial course of Ayahausca - I experienced this bizarre phenomenon where I was manipulated into all kinds of contortionist positions that would likely resemble something out of an exorcist depiction. Oh, I had been filming for years prior to this so captured literally 1000's of hours footage over the following years. It was incredibly like the DMT had induced some kind of hyper-reparative state of consciousness that was able to systematically engage & release combinations of intrinsic stabiliser muscle groups in the realignment of my muscular skeletal system.
I recall thinking to myself as I was manipulated into all kinds of yogic contortionist positions - "I can't fucken do this" & being perplexed throughout the experience of my body placing itself in positions that even after years of intensive training - I could only dream of as a dancer. Although of poor quality I actually have some extremely interesting video footage of such bizarre phenomena that may be of scientific interest somewhere along the line if life ever backs the fuck off enough to present it in a contextually useful manner.
Psychologically, although whilst experiencing the physical phenomenon & in-between enetering deep transcendental states of consciousness where it was like I was capable of putting every thought & memory out on the table to be considered in context in a objective manner unencumbered by ego - upon coming back to "reality" I was still completely traumatised. It was not long into or around the same time as commencing my early experimental research that my psychologist at Cognition retired & I commenced treatment with Bronwen Winterburn who after years of searching has proven herself to be by far the best Clinical Psychologists I've ever worked with & remains my treating psychologist. Although I do my best to do so in all professional relationships I was particularly transparent with Bronwen about all aspects of the complexities of the years of adversity leading up to my unsanctioned experimental research into the therapeutic value of entheogenic substances which is a subject that she happens to be particularly well read up on.
A combination of remaining in a critical state of complex grief & trauma & pressure from my friend Harriet who was interested in the therapeutic value of Psychedelics but unable to consider Ayahausca due to dangerous contraindications with certain medications - I was forced to experiment with mescaline far sooner than I was comfortable with due to limited information on the subject which resulted in what we called "Mescaline Mondays".
As I was a bit piss weak in acquiring anything - Harriet didn't waste any time fucking around & promptly arranged the deal of a lifetime that would far from leave us in short supply. Due to a combination of her being on a medication that dulled the effects whilst we matched ever-increasing doses this swiftly threw me into the deep end of the scale of transcendental states of consciousness. Subsequently, whilst she generally remained in a predominantly unimpaired state experiencing some visuals in the form of pretty colours whilst getting horny as fuck & indulging in demonic sex in between me being catapulted deeper & deeper into the cosmos to the point of complete transcendence . Until one night when I was planning on going fishing - she talked me into staying home & dosing with her which resulted in her experiencing a psychotic episode & ending up detained.
This experience highlights the dangers of mixing these substances with medications & also for people with less experience. Although, we were in a seemingly safe open space environment things soon become dangerous & I was doing my best to stay close enough to remove dangerous objects from her path whilst seeing myself far enough away to ensure my own personal safety as she was one fit woman who was looping in & out of increasingly aggressive states of consciousness. Whilst sheltering outside butt-naked with her screaming inside the house the neighbours asked if they should call for emergency assistance which I agreed was a good idea. Upon arrival of the Ambulance & police I was fully transparent with what we'd consumed & the medications she was on in ensuring they we're in an informed position to provide medical treatment (I actually have some video footage of the incident somewhere). The Drug Squad also questioned me in relation to the incident & I presume due to fact that I ensured Harriets safety & transparency in assisting emergency services to respond to the situation no criminal charges were laid over the incident which admittedly served as a bit of a wake up call for us both.
As mentioned elsewhere I had an expected Acquired Brain Injury that had manifested in over two years of relentless headaches as the result of either a car accident or Heroin overdose that occurred a week apart at the time the headaches began. At this stage I haven't gone through the additional information in the spreadsheet. However, due to the fact that my experimental research was entered around grief & trauma, & I was trying to implement & accurately document as much relevant information as possible all by myself (which I still kinda are) I am not 100% sure weather the headaches miraculously disappeared after the Ayahausca or Mescaline. Based on memory I'm pretty sure I didn't realise they were gone & never to return sometime throughout or shortly after my first course of mescaline charted above & possibly even after after my first Kambo experience.
Kambo - Lucky 7
My one & only Kambo experience was intense to say the least. Served by my good friends Carly & Brad Angel before those health commission cunts banned them from practicing a powerful natural medicine that I witnessed literally bring Carly back from the gates of death due to Lymes Disease. They ran absolutely beautiful responsible ceremonies that I am grateful to have experienced. Brad was going to serve me 5 spots however I suspect that Carly who knew me well possibly suggested I'd prefer a lucky 7. OMFG what a powerful experience & one of the few entheogen that I could not self administer without actual on hand physical assistance to support my through such a powerful purging process.
Unfortunately, my mental health was still trapped in a an unmanageable state of severe trauma & complicated grief that I could not get on top of. However, "winter was coming" & I would soon be able to explore the therapeutic value of psilocybin mushrooms.
When winter finally arrived I drove & walked 100's of KM's in search of the right mushrooms. it was an agonising experience day after day thinking I found the right mushroom, then coming home posting them on the Aus & New Zealand Psilocybin Mushrooms group for an ID just to get a NO, day after day until one day I drover somewhere closer to foothills parked the car walked about 30-40mtrs leant up against the fence ready to give up & you know it - the cheeky little fuckrz presented themselves to me standing tall & strong with energy like perfect like hard ons. I'd found them & I knew it, & was so excited to post them for confirmation in the group who'd prevented me eating the ones that would have killed me & celebrated my success.
My first flood of Psilocybin was only 2g but fuck me it was intense & interestingly also resulted in muscular skeletal realignment that I can only assume is the same phenomenon I've often heard referred to as "sacred yoga". I immediately followed up this initial dose with my definition of "micro"-dosing.
In between, I tried some test doses of Iboga & Muscimol which I was perhaps a little too cautious with & subsequently in both cases I found the doses were too small & only enough to put me in an agonisingly increased state of awareness for hours on end without having enough energy to provide any form of relief.
The big difference with the Psilocybin Mushrooms was that I experienced profound mental health benefits that actually for the first time provided lasting improvements. The only problem I experienced was the phenomenon known as "wood-lovers paralysis" which is like a form of palsy specific to Psilocybin Mushrooms that grow in wood. Although I'd later find it to worse in extremely high doses I found that even at tiny doses it would always come on at some random point throughout the day which, although only usually to a minimal extent throughout my fingers of face - was enough to make microdosing impractical. The interesting thing I find about the phenomenon of "poodlovers-paralysis" is that it does not appear effect vital muscle groups otherwise there would most certainly be countless documented deaths associated with it given how commonly it is experienced.
Latin Fever - Flashmob. Late July 2017.
In addition to entheogenic treatment & psychology I also continued doing healthy recreational activities such as dance as a positive form of physical, psychological & social stimulation.
As a result of the Psilocybin Mushrooms - for the first time in years I felt a sense of peace & calm & was able to remain present enough to appreciate little things like the birds & the bees & the breeze through the trees. It was like a miracle. This is to some extent reflected by the nature of some of my facebook statuses around that period.
Unfortunately I only found around a quarter of a pound dry that year so they soon ran out & my mental health rapidly deteriorated. It was around this time the beautiful Belinda Gilbert came into my life & accompanied me throughout some of the most intense & intimate stages of my Unsanctioned Experimental Research.
The following years would become a complicated mess in which I like to think we helped one another in more ways than we also hindered one another & that in spite of it all neither of us regret it even though there are aspects of it all that I'm sure we both would have done better it we could've.
Whilst turning back to the magical mystery tour of mescaline which although certainly had profound health benefits - I desperately awaited winter & the prospect of the same level psychological relief as I had experienced with the Psilocybin mushrooms.
Belinda & I shared an incredibly intimate journey as we supported one an other though the complex processes associated with unpacking & working through our own individual & at times shared experiences with trauma whilst exploring some of the more mysterious aspects of this magical thing we call life.
Throughout this period I also commenced EMDR therapy with my psychologist which although brutal played one of a number of key roles in helping me disentangle deep seeded denial throughout learning to understand what was maliciously calculated severe gaslighting & psychological abuse associated with my trauma.
Although it was a long wait until winter looking forward to the profound relief of Psilocybin mushrooms - when the time finally came I would experience an entirely different anticipated outcome with extremely complicated & ongoing implications.
Whilst I was hoping for peace & clarity the "mushrooms said" or removed enough of the parameters of ego for me to come to my own conclusions that - if I ever wanted to heal? I would have to stand up for myself, in taking my own power & reputation back. Which would inevitably become a messy process that Belinda stood by me throughout.
As this is an incredibly long & complexly intertwined & overlapping subject tied in with the other threads & throughout the the 2.5 years I failed to fill in the medical chart leading up to my accident over which time similar levels of entheogen consumption were maintained at least up until Covid19 - I think I'll start a seperate blog post: Reclaiming My Power by Standing up Against Latino Grooves & other Unethical CUNTS!!!.
